who are you?



I am on the internet a lot. I am on the internet a lot more than my sporadic blog posting would suggest. I am not ashamed by any means because it would be counterproductive and hey, you're here too. I think it's a beautiful thing, this constant, instant access to any and everything your little heart desires. However, it has its little funny bone hammers embedded in the most inconspicuous spots. The misspelled status update. The photo you didn't know was being taken. The inadvertent broadcast of your total and complete narcissism (*cough*).

The art of the truncated "about me" bio is one of the more absurd and hilarious nuggets to be birthed by the internet. Those tiny spaces on twitter and over there ---> where you get a squared inch and a half to appeal to the whole world. It was just a box to be typed full, in the beginning, I imagine. But now it's a science. An art form. An opus for the attention deficit generation (I ain't hatin 'cause I got diagnosed at 21 with Adult ADHD... which was a big fat Ohhhh reeeeeaaaallly?! and thanks for the newsflash moment.) I have, for no one's benefit, started taking mental notes on this phenomenon. I don't know why but I find it fascinating! And at some point I started to think I had it all figured out. See they boil down to a strategic formula based on what you want your presence to be. Who you want to portray yourself to be, as little as it may have to do with who you actually are... Follow with me if you will...

**please note I was tempted to use (mostly celebrity) real-life examples but decided against it lest it be interpreted as mean-spirited... 'cause it probably would be? So I made up all the examples. Spot on, if you ask me.***

The Categories (seem to be) as follows...

Adorable (the most popular)

*sub-categories include
-alliteration
-craftiness/fashion
-babies

most likely to appear: childlike enthusiasm for the mundane, believing animals never grow up (puppies, kitties, etc.), and a devotion to the past/things of old (vintage clothes, vinyl, mothballs, the elderly)

EXAMPLES?

"I'm Cindy-bean. I luv purple, peep-toes, purple peep-toes, and prosciutto ♥ ♥ ♥"

"friends call me Lanabear ♥ a mama-holic to 3 kittie-witties and one not kittie. I heart weaving and I upcycle bedpans into jewelry on etsy! www.etsy.com/peeplecharms!"

"just a grandma in a 16 year old's body! I love lace, the color lime, and liquor!"*

*bonus points if you slip something a little naughty into the adorable category.

Generalizations/Dislikes
- blanket statements about what you do or do not enjoy in life. Meant to imply a free-spirit, couldn't care less, too-cool-for-school vibe. Effectiveness? 85%

*sub-categories include
-people
-places
-things

most likely to appear- anything, honestly. people be gettin creative. "mean people" and "conservatives" show up a lot... maybe that's just my blogroll?

EXAMPLES?

"My name is Carla and I make stuff"

"I'm randi with an i! dislikes include: the smell of brown rice, carpel tunnel, and keratin based products"

"a vintage loving gal who gets her rocks off to good music, good people, good movies, and good food" (ooohhh reeeaaallllly???)

"mean people suck"*

*I know what you're thinking but this is still happening.


SHOCK!

*sub-categories include
-sex
-bad habits
-daddy issues

EXAMPLES?

"Laura spelled with an XXX. I like expletive filled f&*^$#g nonsense, porn porn porn, prescriptions drugs, and UNICORNS"

"I can't stop eating my fingernails, my neighbors are junkies, I'm writing a novel about homosexual firefighting dogs"

"survivor. erotic pianist. flame-throwing bitch. hope you dig it"


Cleverness/Reverse Pyschology (based on the age-old theory that telling people the exact opposite of the truth is more revealing than your choppy attempts at honesty could.ever.be.)

*sub-categories include
-sarcasm
-fantasy
-nonsense

most likely to appear- references to the "dayjob," imaginary titles in made-up lives, out of nowhere combinations

EXAMPLES?

" I'm a full-time P-R-I-N-C-E-S-S of PRADASTAN livin' the maraschino cherry GLAM SQUAD dream"

" looooovin life at me aaaaaawesome hipster cliche retail job for the man. lookin for the last train to Nashville. keepin on keepin on..."

"poet/puppeteer"

"I dig hives and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life in the go-cart factory"

It's rough out there. Our valid desires to express ourselves in the allotted space we're carving out here online might be a joke orchestrated by some ├╝ber-wealthy, bored to tears, overstimulated team of power players... Zuckerberg? Bill Murray? Jack Donaghy? We may never know.

Did I miss any?

Seacrest Out
xo

8 comments:

sewthriftycollection said...

Wow! I wonder what my internet niche states about me. I never even thought that I put that much thought into it, but maybe I did...hmmmm, now I'm curious and thinking.

bonfire of my vanity said...

omg. i think i am in love with you. this is the best post, EVAR! i'm going to go read it again. you nailed them all.
there is one you forgot though. the uber-crunchy, hippie mom one:

EnviroMom, mama to three unschooled, free range child-spirits, Sage, Buffalo WindSpirit and Juniper (aka EviroKids), wife of EnviroDad (gotta have cutesy nicknames, it's a rule). i love being superior to other moms, feeding my children organic food grown under the full moon and blessed by Gaia's love and weaving my children's clothes from wool sheared from the sheeps who drink only the purest mountain spring water and are blessed by the Dalai Llama. i feel sorry for your kids.

haha! love it

That Chelsea Girl™ said...

I actually just re-did my blogger and FB about me. What a weird coincidence. Mine is on the not-so-serious side of like/dislike, simply because I don't really know what to tell people other than that I don't like brusselsprouts. Random but not complicated (I guess) is what I'm aiming for.
Great post, it made me laugh out loud.

Kristen said...

Haaaah!! Yes. The often run into a mix of the first two - adorable and like/dislike. Like: I like spinach, kitties, and record shopping. Oh sweet jesus... is that MY bio??

bravegrrl said...

hahaha... now to place myself...

still laughing!

Claire said...

Hi There,
Thanks so much for following my blog! I love connecting with people across this vast space. I really enjoy your blog, and yo are spot on about the blog profile. I can't remember what mine says, I think it's just the interest list. I should probably check that out.

I am doing a new series and I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions for it? My e-mail is clairefcrawford@gmail.com
Thanks,
Claire

magicwaffles said...

nice job sarah d

Eva said...

haha, love this! ohhh blogs. I'm not sure which category I fit into...maybe the one about being too general?

http://bottleblack.blogspot.com