On pants and why Sarah hates them*

I don't know if you noticed or not but a few weeks ago I changed the url of this blog to www.sarahhatespants.com. It occurs to me now that you deserve an explanation. Or maybe you've known me for more than ten days and you're tired of hearing about it. In that case feel free to skip this post. I will now, today, list for you the reasons I hate pants.

*I begin with a disclaimer. A list of things I DO NOT HATE. Pay attention because it is important for you to know that although I do HATE some things, I am not a HATER. I do not partake of the haterade, as it were. I don't like the way it tastes*

I do NOT HATE...

got that? Ok good, let's begin.

I hate pants because...

  • They don't fit... me (and several others, honestly.) be it muffin top or saggy butt or kangaroo pouch I cannot find pants that I feel fit my body. Maybe the fashion gods are unaware that my body shape exists or maybe they are just pretending not to know because it grosses them out. Either way, I have spent way too many hours of my life TRYING in vain to find a pair of pants that acknowledges my butt, thigh, waist, height ratio and at a certain point I had to ask "WHY?" Why Sarah are you spending so much time looking for something that doesn't exist? Also, this is a painful, emotional, laborious process completely free of pleasure. So I stopped torturing my mother, husband, friends, and offspring with dressing room panic attacks and temper tantrums. Altogether.
  • They are not comfortable. I know because I do own A pair. They are black Levi's and when I sit down they cut me off in my tummy and it's dumb. You know why they squeeeeze me in half at the middle? I don't either because they manage to accomadate my rear end and thighs fine so what's the deal? No one knows. Again I can choose to believe that the pants making associations of the world are wrong OR my body is wrong. Guess which one I am going with?
  • "Hike, hike, tug tug" This is what I call the little dance that the pants wearers of this world do every time they stand up or raise up from bending over or get out of a car or... move. Hike hike up the pant, tug tug down the top. It's reminiscent of the "yank, yank" that women do every fifteen seconds while wearing a strapless dress. Cuuuuuute. I blame the low-rise fit of most popular denim... not you. I really think women are just the victims of a bizarre fetish perpetrated by a secret society of jiggle watchers. I mean think about it? All that tugging and yanking? Someone out there is into it. I'm not here to judge anyones sexual proclivitys but I do not wish to take part, thanks anyhoo.
  • Dresses/skirts are better/more comfortable/more flattering. This is just me. I looooove to wear a dress. I feel good in a dress. I look better in a skirt. My husband and my friends disagree and have kindly expressed that they like the way I look in pants, which is awesome (thanks guys!). But ultimately, what I wear is a big part of how I express myself (not my friends or my husband) and how I take care of myself ( again...) It's just my opinion and there is no reason for me to NOT roll with it. If I were wearing pants 2 days a week, I'd be spending 2 days a week not doing what makes me happy or what makes me feel good. In a world of bills and wars and self-doubt and stress why not just DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?! Do what you can, when you can, to make yourself feel good. It sounds self-indulgent but who better to indulge? Loving yourself is important and I figured out a small step to that ultimate goal.
...and for good measure here is a really old (2006? 07?) picture of me in pants. mostly because no one cares about a photo free blog post and partly because I want to prove that I gave it a shot.


ugh, not me. not me at'all.

Now let's move on with our regularly scheduled programming...

seacrest out

* I hereby withhold the inclusion of sweatpants, track pants, and leggings. I have no beef with ye.


Anonymous said...

We're in the same boat as pants hating sarahs... and i have to say.. I'm kind of mad you bought sarahhatespants.com before I got the chance!

- Sarah "pants hating" Skelton

LaLa said...

Best line ever:
"I do not partake of the haterade, as it were. I don't like the way it tastes*"

How did you get to be so witty and smart my friend?

Bethany Kellen said...

these are all the reasons that i hate pants. i have two pairs of pants that look good from the thighs down. i'd much rather wear a dress. i still don't like how i look/feel in skirts. i feel like anything that cuts me off in the middle isn't good.
but regardless, you are rocking those jeans.

bonfire of my vanity said...

just found your blog and love it. love it so much i just spent my morning reading the whole thing! you are adorable, and you crack me up and your hair is exactly like my moms circa 1983 and it's fucking epic. i wish i could rock that out. i'm also doing a year of living thriftily (AKA retailwhorewithdrawal). anyway, just wanted to say i enjoy your blog a lot.

magnolia*mama said...

@sarah I am so glad I am not alone. and maybe you register sarahstronglydislikespants.com?? :)

@lala, gurl you know I was born with this!

@bethany weelll thanks for the compliment! I admit, they don't look too bad. but I need to sit down on occasion so... haha :)

@ I am so excited to see you're doing a project after my own heart!! I will follow you so I can be supportive :) thanks so much for the love! I am totally going for a "your mom in 1983" look!! xo

Anonymous said...

I do agree with the middle cut, the pull and tug. However, I mentioned the pants issue to Vena's retiree group and they all agreed that they wear pants to spite the men that wouldn't allow them to wear pants.. I never really thought about the times when women were "not allowed" to wear pants. Vena said she'd steal her dads overalls all the time, then get caught by church goers and punished... for wearing pants? So she wears pants always.... Just to stick it to the man. And i respect and admire that attitude. Damn the man wear pants. or not.