I don't know if you noticed or not but a few weeks ago I changed the url of this blog to www.sarahhatespants.com. It occurs to me now that you deserve an explanation. Or maybe you've known me for more than ten days and you're tired of hearing about it. In that case feel free to skip this post. I will now, today, list for you the reasons I hate pants.
*I begin with a disclaimer. A list of things I DO NOT HATE. Pay attention because it is important for you to know that although I do HATE some things, I am not a HATER. I do not partake of the haterade, as it were. I don't like the way it tastes*
I do NOT HATE...
- PEOPLE WHO WEAR PANTS
- PEOPLE WHO MANUFACTURE PANTS
- PEOPLE WHO DESIGN PANTS
- PEOPLE WHO SELL PANTS
- PEOPLE WHO LOVE PANTS
- PEOPLE WHO MILDLY DISAGREE
- PEOPLE WHO WILL NEVER READ THIS
I hate pants because...
- They don't fit... me (and several others, honestly.) be it muffin top or saggy butt or kangaroo pouch I cannot find pants that I feel fit my body. Maybe the fashion gods are unaware that my body shape exists or maybe they are just pretending not to know because it grosses them out. Either way, I have spent way too many hours of my life TRYING in vain to find a pair of pants that acknowledges my butt, thigh, waist, height ratio and at a certain point I had to ask "WHY?" Why Sarah are you spending so much time looking for something that doesn't exist? Also, this is a painful, emotional, laborious process completely free of pleasure. So I stopped torturing my mother, husband, friends, and offspring with dressing room panic attacks and temper tantrums. Altogether.
- They are not comfortable. I know because I do own A pair. They are black Levi's and when I sit down they cut me off in my tummy and it's dumb. You know why they squeeeeze me in half at the middle? I don't either because they manage to accomadate my rear end and thighs fine so what's the deal? No one knows. Again I can choose to believe that the pants making associations of the world are wrong OR my body is wrong. Guess which one I am going with?
- "Hike, hike, tug tug" This is what I call the little dance that the pants wearers of this world do every time they stand up or raise up from bending over or get out of a car or... move. Hike hike up the pant, tug tug down the top. It's reminiscent of the "yank, yank" that women do every fifteen seconds while wearing a strapless dress. Cuuuuuute. I blame the low-rise fit of most popular denim... not you. I really think women are just the victims of a bizarre fetish perpetrated by a secret society of jiggle watchers. I mean think about it? All that tugging and yanking? Someone out there is into it. I'm not here to judge anyones sexual proclivitys but I do not wish to take part, thanks anyhoo.
- Dresses/skirts are better/more comfortable/more flattering. This is just me. I looooove to wear a dress. I feel good in a dress. I look better in a skirt. My husband and my friends disagree and have kindly expressed that they like the way I look in pants, which is awesome (thanks guys!). But ultimately, what I wear is a big part of how I express myself (not my friends or my husband) and how I take care of myself ( again...) It's just my opinion and there is no reason for me to NOT roll with it. If I were wearing pants 2 days a week, I'd be spending 2 days a week not doing what makes me happy or what makes me feel good. In a world of bills and wars and self-doubt and stress why not just DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?! Do what you can, when you can, to make yourself feel good. It sounds self-indulgent but who better to indulge? Loving yourself is important and I figured out a small step to that ultimate goal.
:/
ugh, not me. not me at'all.
Now let's move on with our regularly scheduled programming...
seacrest out
xo
* I hereby withhold the inclusion of sweatpants, track pants, and leggings. I have no beef with ye.
